Sitting in the Tension.

Scene: me sitting at our kitchen table, Levi (our 85 pound chocolate lab) napping under my legs, listening to the fans spin, smelling my blueberry muffin candle (because Levi decided to poop in the house this fine morning), looking at the scattered pieces of a baby swing that was on clearance at Target yesterday (the hardware was short 3 pieces which now explains the markdown), tears streaming down my face. I'm not upset with the missing screws. I'm not really even sure how to put the tangled mess of my thoughts down, but I'll gladly attempt. 

The tears came during a prayer. It's difficult to know exactly what to pray for when you are waiting on a child to come into your home through foster care. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit intercedes for me because I just fell silent & uncertain. See, I'm one phone call away from saying yes to our first placement & I can't help but sit in the tension of two very different realities. One, excitement: a phone call means we will have the joy of caring for & loving a sweet babe. We get to teach them new things & witness them experience their "firsts." We get to make them laugh & dry their tears. However, there's another, more difficult reality. The other, devastation: a phone call also means that a family has been torn apart. They won't have the opportunity to experience those things in the same capacity we will for a time. Part of me hopes that my phone never rings - that I stare at its black screen forever. Maybe that means that all of the kiddos are safe & in healthy, thriving homes where nighttime is filled with story time & cuddles, warm baths & kisses. The other part of my knows that we live in a broken world, so it's inevitable, & I want to be the first called on the list. 

So, I'm not sure how to feel. Though it might be uncomfortable for me, I hope it stays that way. I hope I can continue to sit in the tension. The tension is where empathy grows. The tension is where we learn. The tension is what makes my heart expand for the families that need to be reminded that they belong to God too. That they are loved. That they are worth fighting for. That we foster parents are cheering them on & desperately wanting them to heal & praying that reconciliation happens. 

I don't know what your tension might be, but maybe sit in it a little bit longer. I bet Jesus is trying to show you something there.

-c