The Week I Became a Mom

I learned how to be a mom this past week. 

We got the inevitable call. It was a slightly different call than what we were expecting. See, we had planned for a baby. The nursery was set up, diapers had been purchased, the butt cream was ready. But God laughed. Who were we to try and plan this journey out like we knew what was best? A 3-year-old boy, "A," needed a home. So, "yes" was said.

I was a nanny for a time in college. I am an aunt to two very strong, beautiful girls that will change the world one day. But until this week, I had not yet been a mom. This week was the first time that I was on the clock 24/7. I cared about what went into little A's body...and what came out of it. I counted the number of hours he slept to make sure he was getting enough. I made Pedro go to the drugstore to pick up baby sunscreen for a 30-minute playground session. I played with trucks & Legos & ninja turtles. I experienced the shrills of the dreaded bedtime. I half-slept for fear that I wouldn’t hear the monitor if something went wrong. I did all of the things that moms do.

I think this is one of the reasons why saying goodbye to little A yesterday was so difficult for me. Plans changed unexpectedly as the state decided to place A into a new home. [I won’t share details in respect to his privacy. However, it wasn’t in response to anything anyone did – the system (a broken one) just has the power to do that.] There are many other reasons as to why saying goodbye was hard. Like, we don’t get to know how the rest of his story will be written. We were told that he would most likely be with us for a good while. We became attached. I mean, the little man talked back. He has a personality that anyone could fall in love with after just a few moments spent with him. Even though we only called him “son” for seven days, for a whole week he was ours. While we knew all of these things & feelings would be a part of this process, we didn’t realize how quickly we would be experiencing them. We didn’t understand the full weight of them. Yet here we are, holding up the heaviness with tuckered out arms (although we aren’t holding them up alone because we have the greatest people).

So, all of these things made it difficult to give one last hug to little A, but A gave me the one thing that no other child that steps into our home can give me. It’s a one-time gift – one that can never be given to me again. He taught me how to be a mom. Of course, I’m very new at this & I’ll learn infinite more things about being a mom with every child that comes into our care, but little A was the very first. He gets to claim that. No one else can. He taught me how hard of a job being a mom is, yet how incredibly worthy. He will most likely never know that, but I always will.

The Lord has been good to us this week. Even in the midst of unexpected moments that bring tears, the Lord has been good. I’m grateful we said yes. Pain comes with saying yes, but it was paired with joy & love & new things. We’re ready for the next yes. We wouldn’t hate it if the pain waited a little longer next time, but even if not…we’ll still say yes.

With all of that out on the table, here are the words I have for little A:

A, you changed us, bud. We miss you dearly. Our home is quieter without you present. But we are so thankful that God chose us to keep you safe & love you for a hot July week. We adore the way you accepted us. We cherish the moments of laughter & dancing & singing we had with you. We pray for your road ahead. We’re sad we can’t be a part of it, but know that you will always hold a spot in our hearts & a picture in our home. We hope that you know Jesus a little better & change the world one day. We know you have the potential. Thank you for making me a mom. We love you deep, sweet A. Love, Mama Callan & Daddy Micheal.

-C