Win-Wins Don't Exist Here.

I hear a phrase often that makes my heart clench up. (Actually, I hear several too often that make my heart feel things, but I'll save those for future posts.) Here's the phrase: "I hope you get to adopt *insert current foster child.*" The words ring in my ears long after the conversation ends. We can move onto the next topic, but I'm more than likely still sitting on those aforementioned words. They tear me apart because of the conflicting emotions that come along with them. I know that every person that says these words to me have the greatest & most pure intention. They hope this because they love us & are supporting us & fully believe that we are making it as parents - and not just making it, but doing a decent job. And for that, I'm grateful. But typically, there is a party in the equation that people aren't thinking about - and I'm not casting blame because I wouldn't think about the party if I was not in the role I am now. But now, I have the birth parent party to empathize with. Here's the thing: when we say that we wish for adoption, we are simultaneously saying, whether we realize it or not, that we wish that birth parents don't do what they need to do in order to be reconciled with their child. That they don't get healthy. That they don't receive help. And that, my friends...That is heavy. That is a reality that I'm not comfortable with, even if the birth parent isn't ready to be a parent in the way God has designed. Of course, I want every child to be safe & in an environment where he or she feels loved & learns to love regardless of how much blood they share, but that doesn't erase the part of me that becomes wrecked when I predict the questions that might come in the future from a little one or the longing & voids felt deeply by a birth parent. Just because a parent makes poor choices does not mean their love for their child doesn't exist (some cases are different; but we can tend to associate all birth parents whose children are adopted out with a lack of love & that is not a fair generalization). Check this statistic (of which I'm currently trying to find the source to link to)": approximately 70% of birth parents who have children in the foster care system were in the foster care system themselves. Read that again. That number should be alarming to you. Something is wrong there. There is a disconnect, a gap. We typically parent the way we were parented - good or bad. Certain ways are engrained into our minds & help to form our life lens. If our experiences were pretty crappy, chances are that our lens will be pretty crappy too if someone has not come along to clean the lens & adjust the blurriness. I'm not sure what the solution here is, but I know it's not to adopt every single child out of foster care. It will take lots of hard work on many people's parts. It will take listening & learning & loving & teaching. It will take a great deal of empathizing.

Bottom line, there are no win-win situations in adoption. They are always messy. Now, we have not had the opportunity to experience this yet, but here's how I know this to be true: God's intent is for birth parents to raise their children - to grow them into men & women who love the Lord & His people unconditionally. Adoption does not allow for this. Although adoption is a beautiful thing that brings hope & new unwritten stories & lays the foundation for redemption, it was not the original intent - just as it was not our intent to be separated from God. Things went wrong & brokenness entered in. But because of God's kindness & love for His children, we have the invitation to be adopted into His kingdom - into His lovely, ever-growing family. The goal of foster case is always for birth parents & their children to be reunified. We, as foster parents, just get to be the safe space for children while their birth parents are learning & growing & getting healthy & whole. We are a small part to a much greater story. We are praying for redemption on behalf of birth parents, but if that can't be done (at least in the time frame given by the court) then we will gladly choose redemption for their children by adopting them into our family. Because God does absolutely intend for all of His children to be redeemed, reconciled, & adopted into His family.  

-C