Desiring More Manna
I wish that I could tell you that I am really great at resting in the truth that God is sovereign all of the time. While I feel that I am good at resting in that truth more often than not, there are definitely moments, days, & weeks where that isn’t reality. And if I’m being extremely transparent, it’s been difficult to rest recently. Without going into detail due to the sake of L’s privacy & well-being, lately there have been many questions raised about her future. Of course, we knew coming into foster care & the main reason for making foster care a part of our life was to hopefully play a small role in a much larger redemption story. However, being confident in our decision to enter this lifestyle doesn’t make the wounds that come with it instantly heal, the worry instantly subside, or the fears instantly flee. They still creep their way in. Sometimes, it feels more like bulldozing than creeping. You see, most days God’s sovereignty keeps me sane – a phrase stolen from Jason Johnson (a fellow foster parent that you should definitely be following if you don’t already!) & referred to often. But I have moments, days, & weeks when I just don’t see it. I can’t get behind it. I just cannot reconcile with my tiny human brain how that is possible. And I think God has been teaching me this week that I struggle with this idea sometimes because I like control. Now, I like to think that I’m not a control freak. For the most part, I am a pretty laid back person who lets most things just roll off my shoulder like water on a duck’s back. But God is slowly & gently & painfully uncovering that lie I’ve been convincing myself of for quite some time now.
This morning, I remembered Exodus 16 where God provides manna from heaven to the Israelites in the desert. I flipped open to the passage & started to tear through the chapter while the Holy Spirit was simultaneously convicting & teaching me using the very words I was reading. For context, the Israelites, led by Moses & Aaron, fled Egypt a month prior to the situation we find them in chapter 16. Supplies are running low & people are becoming agitated & let’s be honest – hangry (the unhealthy marriage of hunger & anger) – but God has a plan. He sends bread from heaven, called manna, for the Israelites to gather each morning after the dew has lifted. The manna comes with specific instructions which are as follows:
1) only gather what was needed for that day 2) do not keep the manna until the next morning & 3) gather double the portion the day before Sabbath so that you may rest
What’s interesting is that some of the Israelites decided they would try to sneak some of the manna to keep for the next day but when they woke, the excess manna was spoiled with maggots. What’s more interesting is that when it was God who decided to allow the Israelites to gather excess manna rather than them deciding for themselves what was best, it remained in perfect edible condition & provided nourishment. As I read this passage yesterday, the Spirit was pointing me to the root issue here which stems ultimately from a lack of trust & a desire for control. When the Israelites tried to keep more manna than necessary, their hearts were really displaying the ugly reality of trust & control issues. In this moment, I identified deeply with them.
I’m the one that wants more manna. I want more control. I want more of a glimpse of the future. In my desiring more manna, my heart was speaking loud & clear to God that I know better. However, God reminded me that I have exactly what I need for today because He is the one who provided it. Tomorrow, I’ll have exactly what I need for tomorrow because He will provide it. No amount of information is going to change how I love & care for L. If anything, I may subconsciously attempt to selfishly guard my heart from more pain if I know that L won’t be with us forever & what a tragedy that would be for the both of us.
God revealing these truths to me doesn’t make me not fearful or worry about L & her future. I wish that it did. However, it does assure me that God will give the both of us exactly what we need for any day that lies ahead – whether difficult or joyous. It reminds me that L was never mine to begin with, nor was she her biological mom’s - she has always belonged to God first & she always will. It brings me back & grounds me to Luke 12 when Jesus tells the disciples to “consider the ravens; they do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn, yet God feeds them,” and L girl, you are infinitely more valuable than birds. It teaches me to cling to the truth that God is sovereign, He provides, & He has proven faithful. And sometimes that is all I the grasp I can muster, yet it is always enough.
-C